Short days.

We're heading into the depths of November and December, where the short days really get me down. And we're still not quite done with stacking wood or with the myriad of projects we wanted to accomplish outdoors before it gets really cold. We're having a wonderful week as far as weather: 40s for the highs, sunny, not windy. But I'm buried under writing work and unable to get to the outdoor stuff. I still need to order stain for the house! And only half the railings are stained with the leftover we had.

The chickens are all set up for winter, and we closed off the A-frame coop so that they would stop sleeping and pooping in the nest boxes and use the new nest boxes instead. They need more roosting space, but for now this works - and maybe if we reopen it they won't start sleeping in the old boxes again? One can hope. I don't know why the boxes are so much more appealing than the roosts for sleeping. Sigh. Chickens aren't reasonable creatures.

Although I'm blogging more about Burke's development over at Portrait of the Autist, he is a smart, smart boy and he is doing really well. I just need to work more on commands with him, and I have really been slacking in this department - especially stay. He's really good with sit and down, but he doesn't like to lay down. It's just so fun having a puppy around again though. Matt doesn't want to admit it, but he's really enjoying him. Dana's exactly the same - salty about it on the surface, but really happy to have a pal, I think. I kind of wish we'd gotten one when she was younger, because she is so solitary and so unconnected to us humans that it's nice for her to have a doggie buddy. But, she's still kicking and he seems to be bringing back her youth a bit if anything.

I wrote about Lakeview's Farm to School Program over at Civil Eats. It was a fun piece to write, and I hope that it brings to light the joys and challenges of implementing a farm-to-school lunch program.

I'm writing a novel for Nanowrimo, but like the previous 3 years, am thinking about it more than actually writing it, just because November always seems to be crazy that way. I think they do it again in March, which might be a better fit for me. Then again, what month isn't crazy for me? I managed to run daily in September and much of October, but I haven't been able to fit in running since I had the swine flu in mid-October. This is making me depressed. Yet, today I am on deadline for several projects and have no choice but to strap arse to computer chair and type all day and evening. Every day there's something: yesterday it was Jake's clinic visit, the day before the dentist for me and Katie, Sunday I was sick.

I think I might sound whiny, so I'll stop here. Really, life is very, very good. Promise.

Climbing back up.

I am doing a lot better than I was when I last posted. I think perhaps I have to learn to accept that life is like this: it will overwhelm you and get unruly at times, and there is little to nothing you can do about it but ride the wave and try not to stress. I'm still in need of some "anti-stress" measures - I keep fantasizing about a hot bath with the Epsom salts I bought last week - but I'm overall doing a lot better and feeling more on top of things.

Some of that has to do with working right through the weekend to get caught up on some work, definitely. But time just does this funny thing where it keeps passing, regardless of how much or little you accomplish. I still have this list of about ten things I want to get to, writing-wise, and it will still be there and I will slowly chunk away at it. I have a list of about a hundred things to do on the homestead before the snow flies, but again - I'm making slow but significant progress, and that's all I can really ask of myself, right?

Sunday we finished cleaning out the coop and getting it ready for the chickens for winter. Originally the idea had been to tear it back down to a pole barn and fill it with wood this fall, building a new, snazzy, well-designed coop for the hens - staining it to match the house, no more rotting chipboard walls. But the reality is that the time and money to do that just wasn't happening. So we moved their movable coop up the hill and plopped it at the little exit door to the main coop. Once it gets really chilly I'll staple clear plastic sheeting in a hoop shape around both doors, so they'll have quite the winter digs with extra roosting space and nest boxes.

We also tore down the divider that separated the two parts of the big coop, when we had the baby chicks and needed to keep them separate from the mature layers. That gave them quite a bit more room as well. We set the waterer and heater up on blocks, in a nice level spot (the coop is earthen floored and on a slope), and planned ways to route the cords so that they don't fly into them and unplug the waterer heater like they did last year. We tacked up the motion sensor light so you can have illumination when going out to the coop at night - and as an extra deterrent for predators.

Finally, yesterday I moved the electric net fencing up the hill and installed it around the coop to make a nice-sized pasture area for them. It encloses both doors of the coop and two sides of it, so it provides an extra measure of predator protection. I still have to plug in the charger and get that part set up, but for now they are at least confined within the coop and pasture, which eliminates the other issue we were having: our service puppy in training, Burke, was chasing the girls relentlessly. I looked outside yesterday to see him with a Barred Rock's wing in his mouth, looking guilty. The girl was perfectly relaxed, though, and his mouth was soft. It was kind of funny, in that he was clearly playing and not killing or hurting. He just doesn't understand why these playful, colorful, running toys are off-limits. He is doing very well stopping in his tracks if he's chasing them and we tell him "no." He just can't seem to resist tearing off after them again once they start moving at a good clip.

So, the fencing will be good for them too. In the middle of the move we had left it open, because the spot where they were had gotten pretty well trashed, and I hate not letting them have fresh grass and pasture to graze. But I had been worrying more and more about them getting eaten - so far just one has gotten munched by some predator. We found a pile of feathers a few weeks ago, but it wasn't simply someone molting - something ate her.

Healing.

Sorry I've been MIA. We have had the dreaded flu, apparently, and are just recovering. It was fine - my daughter got hit the hardest, and first. My husband, son and I all handled it fairly well, although I think Jake is still fighting it. Now, I'm firmly in the aftermath - a house that needs serious attention, work that very desperately needs catching up, and me home alone with the kids while Matt works these past two days. (The kids have off from school, but he doesn't. It would be a challenging week any week, but coming on the heels of being laid up for a few days, it's really tough on my work schedule.)

I'm actually seriously struggling today to maintain calm and sanity. I think I just screwed up on that front, but I'm putting myself in time-out. I have to adjust my expectations of what work I can get done, maybe see about having Matt take off on Tuesday to take Jacob to CF clinic, or maybe completely cancel his appointment and reschedule for next month. I vacuumed the house - it was gross - but that is just the tip of the iceberg. There is so much to do to prepare for the appraisal for the addition, it is completely overwhelming. I'm trying not to even think about it. I'm still very stressed and worried about Jake actually getting this flu, since he never got fully sick. And I think I'm still a bit tired and under the weather.

Here I go again, using this space more as a journal than a blog about what we're doing with the homestead. Just needed to put it somewhere today. Hopefully I'll be back on track very soon, and hopefully I can just relax a bit and stop being such a stressball.

Waiting for the snow to fall, and cover us all...

And it did. This morning.



It will rain later, but it is lovely. The puppy was incredibly excited and ran around all crazed and wet-mouthed, jumping in it. Now he's sacked out on the couch.

I was planning to work at the coffeeshop today, but the snow just makes me feel like cuddling up inside. I might head out to the (much closer) library in a bit. Just because I need to get out sometimes.

On the homesteading front, we are complete slackers. Kate is doing really well caring for the chickens herself - I'm amazed they're all still alive, but I haven't had to think much about them in the past few weeks. I'm sure I need to recharge the battery, and we really really need to move them to a new spot, and clean out their winter coop and get them moved back into it.

And, I will plant garlic. Will, will, will. I am promising this to myself. So, I need to get on that fairly soon. I haven't ordered it yet, even. It might be too late to order.

Using my Power of Less, September was running. Goal met. I ran the Harpoon Octoberfest Road Race, 3.6 miles, on Sunday. In 39:54. So my 5K time was 34:55, and I'm very happy with that. Very happy. I am planning to run a much smaller local race, the Kingdom Challenge, on Halloween - another 5K. Then the Barton Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving. And, I'm planning to train for a half-marathon in late May - the Derby Dandelion Run. Another local race. Should be a lot of fun!

I'd like to run a full marathon by next fall. That's my goal. It seems reasonable. Although right now I am still fairly sore from Sunday.

So October's goal: train the puppy. I'm blogging about Jake and I will move the service puppy posts over there. Summary of his progress so far: he's smart, maybe too smart. I need to step up the training, and work on stays and loose leash walking (he seems to think pulling with all his might is the way to go on a walk). I bought a head collar, but it's too big. I hope to order a harness for him once I get it put in Jake's budget, with Service Dog In Training patches to put on it. I will exchange the head collar. But mostly it is about me putting in the 20-30 minutes a day on training him.

And to be clear: I know he won't be trained by end of October. My goal is to establish a daily habit of training the puppy.

November's goal: Write 50,000 words of a novel. Yes, I am going to do Nanowrimo. Again. I just need to get a shitty novel out there and be done with it. So, I will be working on some preparation (character sketches, reading, research) for that this month. And picking which of my handful of ideas I will actually bring to fruition next month.

Exciting stuff. December's goal may just be maintenance of running, puppy-training, and novel-writing habits while getting through the holidays. That sounds like enough. And on the homestead front? Because isn't this blog all about our homesteading efforts? Well, sometimes personal growth is the place we need to go. I guess I'll leave it at that. I have complete faith that I'll want to recommit myself in the spring, plant a smaller garden but still try to raise a bunch of food, and maybe even get a few sheep or a beef cow. For now, we need to just keep maintaining the chickens, plant some garlic, and maybe build another raised bed for some fall/winter greens (with hoop cover). We'll eat our delicious stores of applesauce, elderberry jelly, and buy local greens for now. Oh, and I probably need to put the strawberries to bed for the season before they die. Thursday night is forecast to be 16 degrees!

Fall cleaning and decluttering.

Sadly, I think I waited a wee bit too long for the elderberries - the birds have claimed them all, it seems, although there are a few unripe clusters that I may be able to snag. But I went down cellar (I'm picking up some Vermontisms) and found three quart jars of elderberry juice that I canned last year, and I'm sure there are both berries and juice in the freezer as well. (Note to self: next year just pick and dehydrate the berries, don't worry about when you can get to making the tincture or syrup!)

The lack of elderberries freed me up to do some decluttering this weekend. Autumn always prods me into clean and declutter mode, trying to make our tiny house more efficient for the upcoming winter while I can still work comfortably in the basement and easily air out rooms. Yesterday I dusted all the cobwebs, inside and out, repaired the front porch railing and began staining it (I needed to stop because it rained, and because I wanted to be sure the six-year-old stain was still going to dry properly and look like the rest of the house). Then I began to tackle our master bedroom.

We're considering swapping rooms with Jake, giving him this room, since it is a generous 9x11, all with normal-height ceilings! Right now Jake lives in the loft, with Katie, which has steeply sloping eaves - not your typical knee walls, just straight from the roofline, forty-five degrees down to the floor. That makes it impossible to stand anywhere but the center four feet or so, and really curtails our living space. (We have 710 sf where you can stand in our house - then a few more of eaves, and of course I'm not counting the basement or shop.) If we swapped rooms, we'd have space for our bed where Jake's bed, train table and some toys are now, and we'd revamp his toy shelves to store our clothes. One bugaboo is hanging space - I think we could manage something sort of weird-looking where we hang the clothes in the middle of the wall by the window, but I'm not sure it would look at all decent.

Speaking of which, right now our clothes hang in plain sight in our bedroom - this house was meant as a vacation cabin and is completely, utterly closetless. It keeps us neat, theoretically.

So I just went through and vacuumed under the bed, sorted through all the clothes and made a pile to give away and a pile of summer stuff to store, decluttered the top of the dresser (though you can see I could stand to get rid of more), and set up our new hamper underneath the hanging clothes (Jake picked all the wicker off the ten-year-old hamper that was near the door). I also cleared the piles of books that built up on the floor by my bed and overall just went through everything, although there was no major restructuring of the space itself. You can see that there isn't really much you can do with a king-sized bed in this space besides have it where it is!

Jake uses this room to bounce on the bed and roll himself in the covers and watch TV. It's the only room in our house with a door besides the bathroom, so although it's a master bedroom, it is also used by anyone who's sick and needs a little privacy or quiet and a comfy bed, or just when someone wants some privacy. So it gets used - a lot. We've considered swapping out the bed with a Murphy, but we store our clothes in those maple drawers you see underneath the bed, and we can't quite figure what type of temporary use the floor space would have if we folded up the bed. (Toys get strewn quickly, and the idea of having to pick up toys and clutter before going to sleep just makes me feel exhausted.) The bed makes a great TV-watching space, book-reading space, and all-around cuddle space. If we change it to Jake's room, his twin would go along the wall where the head of our bed is now, with his clothes stored underneath as they are now. That would give him quite a bit of room for his toys (probably organized onto a shelf unit along one wall) as well as a couple of bean bag chairs - they are desperately needed as they're a sensory regulating item for him, and we can't figure out where else in the house one could possibly fit.

Okay, I think I've blathered on enough. The room! Beware: it looks much bigger in the photos!



View from the doorway. In the left-hand back corner is the door to the basement.



View from the basement door corner. The shelves above the hanging clothes hold some storage of things like the negatives from the photos of Jake's birth, and a few other things that probably could find a better home if we had more climate- and moisture-controlled storage elsewhere. The one kitty-corner basket is our first-aid kit. Tucked underneath the clothes in the corner is a laundry hamper (we'll probably need to get another one, so we each have our own) and my Seagull guitar. The thread rack holds most of my jewelry and earrings. The teak dresser holds - surprise! - clothes. I need to get a different curtain for our window, as the floral batik doesn't match the stripey bedspread at all!

Puppy kryptonite.

Yesterday was a very tough day with Burke. He was incredibly bitey and mouthy and aggressive, and every way I tried to distract or correct him resulted in him getting more riled up and mouthing me more. This, despite walking him first thing in the morning, trying to play fetch (but he would jump and lunge at my legs and bite them so I had to crate him for time-out) and doing everything that every book I read said to do.

We have been using mostly positive reinforcement and clicker training methods. I have tried positive redirection to an appropriate chewy toy. I have tried yelping in a high-pitched voice to show him he's hurting me. I have even - briefly - tried an alpha roll, but it was clear within five seconds that this was an ineffective and cruel choice.

Today I finally picked up a book written by the dog trainer who has kept our elderly dog, Dana, several times while we've been out of town, April Frost. I read through everything - she mostly suggests positive redirection for mouthiness. But, we've been there and it's just getting more and more out of control. So today on her suggestion for other behaviors, I made a shake can - put a few pennies in an empty can and taped the mouth shut. Well, it's magic. I barely shake it and he's out of the room - which shows me I have to be sparing with this, as I want him to remain a secure and emotionally grounded pup. But, having my arms and legs bruised from his bites is not okay either, and nothing else has made a dent in this behavior. As she puts it in her book, it's much preferable to eliminate the behavior quickly with "surprise" than to have most of our interactions be negative - he mouths me and lunges at me, I say no, I crate him, repeat until I'm angry and frustrated and he knows it and mouths more.

I know we have to get him playing with some younger dogs as soon as possible, so that's on my list for this week and next. He only has Dana, who is more tolerant of him, but won't really play with him. And he's had a bit of exposure to a couple of other dogs. But I can sense that what he is really seeking is play, engagement, interaction on a puppy level. Sometimes fetch or "I'll hold the toy while you mouth it" isn't enough for him (we don't encourage tug and he is not at all into it anyway, nothing like Dana was).

Speaking of Dana, she is doing so much better! She is walking again. She is even going up and down the steps most of the time. This week we'll get our icebreaker padded mats on the steps to give her some more traction. But she's really come back. I'm not sure what went on - seizure? stroke? Her right side seems a bit contracted and off. But she's holding her own, very interested in food and treats, and once she gets down the steps she is playful and running through the fields and woods with Burke at her heels. I'm very happy to have her for as long as she's comfortable and active. She seems to be renewed and full of vigor again. My old girl! I love her so.

I've started a blog about Jake. He's doing amazingly well. The homesteading has turned into dog training, huh? Such is life. The leaves are in full color; it's a beautiful autumn.

Happy Mabon!

With the passing of the Fall Equinox (Mabon), we're having a spell of warmer, more humid weather. After weeks of crisp mornings and brisk, frosty nights, I could almost be fooled into thinking it was August again - but then I feel the gentler, paler rays of the sun, witness the bright palette of reds, golds and greens on the trees, and watch evening slip ever more quickly into dark. It is definitely autumn.

Burke is settling into his last few weeks of true early puppyhood (he'll be four months old on October 5). I've been reading The Golden Bridge by Patty Dobbs Gross and feeling alternately better and worse about how his training is going so far. But mostly better. He's a very good boy, but temperament-wise he is more mouthy and bossy than some of the quiet, calm dogs she selects for service work. But, she emphasizes matching the temperament to the family and child - and I do think he's a good fit for our mouthy, bossy family! Jake is loud and he moves a lot, quickly, runs and jumps all over our tiny cabin, and Burke is nonplussed. When he has a meltdown, Burke is right there, not afraid of the screams and crying, but looking at him as if to say, "What can I do to help?" (I wish I knew the answer, sweet pup. I ask it of myself every time Jake has a meltdown. But I feel sure you will figure it out in time.)

Personally, at the moment, I'm wrestling a few demons. I've felt very emotional for the past month or so - back to school time always does this to me. Add in a virus or two and a Lyme flare and the recipe produces high emotion, struggles, and yet - growth. I've been trying hard to get a handle on my schedule and manage my time better, and simply trying to do less has been a very successful strategy that's helped me feel more sane. But I still struggle with the house being messier, the late-summer and winter-preparation tasks falling behind, and in general feeling like I'm drowning under a to-do list (whether I put the things on the list or not, they just seem to pile up). I'm trying to chip away at things, putting in an hour a day on the outside tasks, figuring that consistency will pay off just like it has with my running.

Running has been a success, when I'm not plagued by knee or hip pain. It's so meditative and wonderful for me. My body just needs to catch up with my heart and I'll be thrilled. And, I need to acknowledge that establishing this habit has been a major accomplishment this month. Today is Day 22, and studies say you need 21 days to establish a new habit. So, there. I'm a runner now. I will run my first 5K on October 11th in Windsor, Vermont - the Harpoon Brewery's Octoberfest. It should be lots of fun. My husband will run with me!

One big thing I've been struggling with is my need for approval from others. A few things have happened that have brought to the surface how much I need external validation, even when I think I don't. I guess part of it is that so many people in my life have always looked up to and admired me - to the point that I feel embarrassed about it - that when it's clear that a person disapproves of my actions, decisions or how I conduct my life, I react by feeling blindsided, angry and hurt. And I respond by trying to get that person to change his or her mind, desperately defending myself and arguing my points. I want them to see what a great person I am, how much I have managed to do with a huge burden on my shoulders, how I'm funny, smart, and ultimately - lovable. How even though I can be bossy and seem cranky at times, it's a thin veneer over an all-encompassing, unconditional love for those close to me - a love that can be very strong and powerful as well as gentle and nurturing.

I want to say, Yes, we have some serious challenges and things can be rough sometimes, but there are also some great things in our lives. My kid is healthy despite the genetics stacked against him, thanks in large part to my own efforts. He's thriving developmentally thanks to my determination to find him a good school program, to make it work in the face of an overburdened, broken education system. My marriage is intact and healthy despite the statistics that say that as parents of a special-needs child, we only have a 20% chance of staying married. We've been together seventeen years, almost half my life. What it might look like from the outside may be very different than how we both feel about it. It's strong, it's good, and our division of labor works for us (even though growing up in our generation, we feel like we are constantly creating and recreating our roles from scratch). And most of all, I love, admire and respect my husband deeply.

I end up engaged in a battle, trying to show someone that I'm worth thinking highly of, that my ideas should be entertained seriously and that my decisions are good ones that I've thought through. Then, weary from the fight and feeling badly about myself, there comes a moment when I step back and ask myself: why am I engaged in this? What need am I trying to fulfill? Why can't I walk away, and realize that not everybody has to like me or approve of my decisions or actions?

You can only control your own actions, reactions, emotions and decisions. You can't control those of other people. You can't change someone's mind, make them miserable, or make them happy. You can't make them approve of you, love you, or admire you. In fact, when you really think about it, the other person's emotions and opinions likely have very little to do with you, even when it seems they are all about you.

This is a lesson I seem to learn over and over in my life. Slowly, I think it's sinking in.

Falling into Fall.

We've had gorgeous September weather - all the high-pressure ridges we missed this summer have made their appearances one right after another, giving us long stretches of crisp, sunny days with temps in the low 70s, and cool nights. Now the highs have receded to the 50s and 60s, the leaves are very much starting to turn, and fall is definitely in the air.

The lovely weather has made taking up running easy. It's the perfect weather for it - no rain, not too hot, not too cold. For the past three weeks that has been my focus - making a solid habit of running nearly daily. I had been running last spring, but a hamstring injury sidelined me for months. It's nothing like a treadmill, running on these hilly, gravelly dirt roads, and it can be hard for someone who's just starting, like me. But reading Born to Run and thereby discovering a new technique for running (a mid or forefoot strike instead of a heel strike, similar to Pose and Chi running) has helped me immensely.

Puppy training has been going along well for the most part. I feel like a bit of a slacker. He's 14 weeks old now, and still needs refinement on staying in both sit and down. He's got a great, enthusiastic recall - it's awesome! But he's been very bitey with us (just likes to mouth our hands, and run after and jump at our calves and pant legs when we're walking sometimes) and we're working hard to curb that. He knows sit, down, shake, and the "Doggie Zen" game from Clicking With Your Dog - basically learning self-control and not nibbling at my hand when it has a treat in it; when he relaxes and stops trying, he then gets the treat and I say "take it."

The other crappy behavior is begging. He's just so bad about it! He will sit and look all angelic for a couple of minutes while you're preparing a meal or snack or whatever, but then if he doesn't get something (he never does!) he will start full-on barking. He goes in his crate, but it's not a behavior that is going away. I am trying to examine if there is some way it is reinforced, but can't quite work out how he's so sure he's going to get something this way. I may have to preemptively crate him while I make food or give Jake enzymes or whatever.

But, you know how it is with puppies. He's doing really well overall. He's very tuned into Jake, and will follow him around when he is outside. Both of them enjoy a game where Jake snuggles in a thick comforter and Burke bites gently through the comforter - super deep pressure! Now, perhaps this isn't something I should allow if we're trying to get him to stop biting in other situations, but I've let it go on a little bit because it's definitely a bonding thing for Jake. The other amazing thing is that when Jake's had freakouts, Burke has not been fazed at all. He looks concerned, gets calm, and goes over to him (especially if I tell him to). He will lie right next to Jake. I'm still working on getting Jake to see that the puppy is there and how Burke can help calm him, but a few licks from Burke the other day had Jake going from crying and upset to smiling and calm in a few seconds - so I think this might actually work out quite well. This is much more of a big thing than the behavior stuff - that we can work out. Having a dog whose presence actually works to calm my kid, that's the key.

I remain a bit worried about my older dog. Of course, when we decided to get the puppy she was doing great. But a few weeks ago she had a grand mal seizure. Now, she has had mild seizures off and on since she was 5 years old, often triggered by thunderstorms or fronts moving through. But never a grand mal. It was terrifying. She seemed to be weak, especially her back legs, afterward, and the vet confirmed there are some definite neurological issues with her back legs. The trigger for the grand mal was likely low blood sugar, as we had been keeping the food up and feeding them 3 times a day because of the puppy (she had always been on free feed because her weight has always been low). That day we had the kids' birthday party and I missed the evening feeding. They're on free feed again and the vet says the puppy is doing fine with it, so we'll keep it that way. They're both eating puppy food - again, my vet okays this (Dana is skinny, but has put on some good weight since this!).

This morning Dana seemed off again - "rangey," I call it, sort of stumbling around outside and moving too fast, almost on autopilot. She seemed more senile/out of it and acted weird. Her front legs seemed weak and her back legs weaker than usual. We crated the pup to give her space and now have her in the bedroom, on her bed, with my daughter who's home sick from school. I gave her an L-theanine, an anti-anxiety amino acid supplement that has always helped stave off the seizures. Because - wouldn't you know it, there's a front moving through.

I have phenobarbitol on hand and the vet has instructed me on how many to give should she have a seizure. I hope we don't get to that point, but I'm armed and ready. I don't think her fifteen-year-old body can withstand another grand mal. I'm really not ready for her to go, not at all. I never will be. But I need to call the vet today and find out how to get in touch with him should we need him over the weekend. He will come to the house for euthanasia if needed, which is a great comfort to me. She's terrified of the vet and I can't imagine that being her last experience, so to know that she can pass in the comfort and peace of her own home is huge.

On a happy note, school is going great for both kids, especially Jake. The new program is awesome and he's making huge strides. I remain optimistic that our bitey, beggy puppy can turn into a well-behaved service dog. I have really put the homesteading - and even the basic fall chores! - on hold while I've gotten into my running routine and focused on the pup. I'm looking forward to winter (did I just say that?) so that I'll have even more time for his training. (Not to mention snowboarding!)

Life is always full, isn't it? This has been quite the long blog post. But it's been a while and I wanted to update.