Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Provisioning.

I have a dirty little secret: I joined Costco in late August, and I have shopped there twice.

Okay, if you're done gasping and shaking your head at how I, a wannabe homesteader, could possibly justify this, read on.

First, I used to live in Washington state, and very happily joined Costco there after learning about their business practices. They're actually a fairly cool company as big companies go. They provide their employees with good benefits, and they source out quality for the Kirkland Signature brand. I read up, and read up, and read up - they seem actually darn good in this respect.

Second, we live about 45 minutes from a true supermarket. There is one in the nearby town 20 minutes away, but it doesn't count to me because you can't trust buying meat or produce there, and they can't even keep the freezers working properly so the ice cream is always freezer-burned. And, the prices are just about as high as the smaller, local stores - we have several of those.

Typically our grocery shopping is Matt picking something up on the way home from work - which turns into 15 somethings that we need. Juice, half and half, chicken, and snack foods for the kids are a lot of what we buy. Weekly we purchase produce and some bulk foods at the coop, especially this time of year - I've had the garden pulled since early August when late blight hit the tomatoes and potatoes hard, and I had planted the rest early so the carrots, onions and everything else was ready.

I don't buy produce at Costco, generally speaking. I tried some apples, but they were not a good price, and they were from Chile (to their credit, this time they had local apples). I do have a kid with autism who eats several foods in large quantities and doesn't deviate from this, so I purchased two family packs of chicken that should last him a week or two. (You can see why raising all the chicken we could eat in a year would mean we'd have four hundred broilers out there - at least.)

I send all his food in to school with him, so every week or two his paraeducator sends a note home: Need juice, oatmeal, more popcorn, more apples. And I pack a reusable grocery bag with it and put it on the bus.

So this trip, for food for him, I bought 8 gallons of apple juice, the chicken, and a few boxes of bulk snack foods. My daughter also had a budget for snacks for school and purchased a couple of boxes. The snacky stuff is what I feel most guilty about. I would like to get her off of Cheez Its and Rice Krispie Treats, and get him off the Goldfish crackers and Smartfood popcorn. But in reality? I don't think it's so bad to have a small bag or two of those each day. Not horrible. And, we have this huge gorgeous pantry downstairs, so the snacks live down there, and just go to school. When we buy, say, a large box of Cheez Its at the grocery store, they're gone in a day. This way, everything seems to last longer.

But the real benefit of Costco, to me, comes with the money savings on the dry goods. Paper towels (I know, not very homesteader-y of me, but the pack I bought will likely last for a year of cleaning up dog puke and other really gross things, and I admit I like to do windows and mirrors with them), toilet paper, garbage bags, dishwasher detergent, dish soap, laundry detergent, and Oxy-Clean have all been purchased, roughly half the last trip and half this trip.

I'm saving - a ton. I don't know exactly how much; I did write down all the prices, then promptly lost the index card, so I have to reconstruct from the receipt. But it's at least 30%, and possibly more like 50% for some things. Oh, dog food. I couldn't sing the praises of Costco without discussing dog food.

First, let me say: I've read about the raw diet for dogs. I agree with it in every way. But, I have a fifteen-year-old mutt who has been on kibble her whole life, and I can't feed my puppy raw and feed her kibble. So there's that. There is also the fact that I have a kid with multiple medical and developmental issues, and the fact that I am trying to train this dog to be a service dog. Add to that the fact that I have a full-time job, and that we are trying to raise as much of our food as possible. And, see above re: supermarket proximity and cost of things locally. Right now, buying a bag of kibble and opening it to fill a bowl of food is what works for me in the dog-feeding realm. I'm okay with that.

I researched the heck out of the Kirkland Signature Puppy Food and hey - it's pretty good. It's darn close to the premium brands; it's made in the US with no China-sourced ingredients, and guess what else. It is $12.59 for a 20-lb bag. So instead of forking over $50 for a 30-lb bag, I would pay $18.85 for the same amount of the Kirkland food. Wow.

I'm sorry, but I don't make enough money to ignore savings like that. It sounds like a good deal. The ingredients are sound. The dogs do very well on it and don't have any issues with their coats; they are shiny and healthy and their eyes are clear.

So Katie and I stroll into Costco (it's a joke, you don't really stroll when you're pushing a cart the size of Luxembourg) and load that cart down with toilet paper, dog food, paper towels, shampoo and conditioner (Avalon Organics, a great deal too), chicken, juice, several boxes of snack foods, olive oil, a 25-lb bag of King Arthur flour, olives, pickles, boxes of chicken broth (Pacific Foods organic), and a few other things, and all around me people are pushing half-empty carts with a bunch of junk in them. I try not to lollygag, but wow. People don't shop at Costco like we do. For us, it's an all-day event, we last went two months ago, we may window shop in the electronics department but we don't buy (unless it was a crazy deal and planned in advance), we have a budget, we have a list. We stick to the budget and the list - okay, okay. I lie. We went down the toy aisle and we found Wii Fit Plus and I told Katie she could get it. It was something we'd planned to get, and it was $17 and change. But other than that? Nothing not on the list. Stick to the budget. Eschew the prepared frozen foods, the prepared canned foods, the premade everything. Stick with the basics, and especially the dry goods.

My pantry is full. It feels good. I don't have to worry about running out (a 20-mile round trip) for toilet paper at $1 a roll for a long time. We won't run out of apple juice for a while, and I paid about half what I usually pay. I want to keep as much money as I can in the local economy, but I think I have it all justified. The money I'm saving by purchasing some of our groceries and dry goods at Costco, I am spending on local produce and meat instead. It simplifies my life and gives me more time, and in the winter it is really nice to have things stocked up on the shelves downstairs, alongside the jars of applesauce and elderberry jelly.

Provisioning. It does speak to the pioneer girl in me, even though the sizes of some of the boxes of food are obscene.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Short days.

We're heading into the depths of November and December, where the short days really get me down. And we're still not quite done with stacking wood or with the myriad of projects we wanted to accomplish outdoors before it gets really cold. We're having a wonderful week as far as weather: 40s for the highs, sunny, not windy. But I'm buried under writing work and unable to get to the outdoor stuff. I still need to order stain for the house! And only half the railings are stained with the leftover we had.

The chickens are all set up for winter, and we closed off the A-frame coop so that they would stop sleeping and pooping in the nest boxes and use the new nest boxes instead. They need more roosting space, but for now this works - and maybe if we reopen it they won't start sleeping in the old boxes again? One can hope. I don't know why the boxes are so much more appealing than the roosts for sleeping. Sigh. Chickens aren't reasonable creatures.

Although I'm blogging more about Burke's development over at Portrait of the Autist, he is a smart, smart boy and he is doing really well. I just need to work more on commands with him, and I have really been slacking in this department - especially stay. He's really good with sit and down, but he doesn't like to lay down. It's just so fun having a puppy around again though. Matt doesn't want to admit it, but he's really enjoying him. Dana's exactly the same - salty about it on the surface, but really happy to have a pal, I think. I kind of wish we'd gotten one when she was younger, because she is so solitary and so unconnected to us humans that it's nice for her to have a doggie buddy. But, she's still kicking and he seems to be bringing back her youth a bit if anything.

I wrote about Lakeview's Farm to School Program over at Civil Eats. It was a fun piece to write, and I hope that it brings to light the joys and challenges of implementing a farm-to-school lunch program.

I'm writing a novel for Nanowrimo, but like the previous 3 years, am thinking about it more than actually writing it, just because November always seems to be crazy that way. I think they do it again in March, which might be a better fit for me. Then again, what month isn't crazy for me? I managed to run daily in September and much of October, but I haven't been able to fit in running since I had the swine flu in mid-October. This is making me depressed. Yet, today I am on deadline for several projects and have no choice but to strap arse to computer chair and type all day and evening. Every day there's something: yesterday it was Jake's clinic visit, the day before the dentist for me and Katie, Sunday I was sick.

I think I might sound whiny, so I'll stop here. Really, life is very, very good. Promise.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Climbing back up.

I am doing a lot better than I was when I last posted. I think perhaps I have to learn to accept that life is like this: it will overwhelm you and get unruly at times, and there is little to nothing you can do about it but ride the wave and try not to stress. I'm still in need of some "anti-stress" measures - I keep fantasizing about a hot bath with the Epsom salts I bought last week - but I'm overall doing a lot better and feeling more on top of things.

Some of that has to do with working right through the weekend to get caught up on some work, definitely. But time just does this funny thing where it keeps passing, regardless of how much or little you accomplish. I still have this list of about ten things I want to get to, writing-wise, and it will still be there and I will slowly chunk away at it. I have a list of about a hundred things to do on the homestead before the snow flies, but again - I'm making slow but significant progress, and that's all I can really ask of myself, right?

Sunday we finished cleaning out the coop and getting it ready for the chickens for winter. Originally the idea had been to tear it back down to a pole barn and fill it with wood this fall, building a new, snazzy, well-designed coop for the hens - staining it to match the house, no more rotting chipboard walls. But the reality is that the time and money to do that just wasn't happening. So we moved their movable coop up the hill and plopped it at the little exit door to the main coop. Once it gets really chilly I'll staple clear plastic sheeting in a hoop shape around both doors, so they'll have quite the winter digs with extra roosting space and nest boxes.

We also tore down the divider that separated the two parts of the big coop, when we had the baby chicks and needed to keep them separate from the mature layers. That gave them quite a bit more room as well. We set the waterer and heater up on blocks, in a nice level spot (the coop is earthen floored and on a slope), and planned ways to route the cords so that they don't fly into them and unplug the waterer heater like they did last year. We tacked up the motion sensor light so you can have illumination when going out to the coop at night - and as an extra deterrent for predators.

Finally, yesterday I moved the electric net fencing up the hill and installed it around the coop to make a nice-sized pasture area for them. It encloses both doors of the coop and two sides of it, so it provides an extra measure of predator protection. I still have to plug in the charger and get that part set up, but for now they are at least confined within the coop and pasture, which eliminates the other issue we were having: our service puppy in training, Burke, was chasing the girls relentlessly. I looked outside yesterday to see him with a Barred Rock's wing in his mouth, looking guilty. The girl was perfectly relaxed, though, and his mouth was soft. It was kind of funny, in that he was clearly playing and not killing or hurting. He just doesn't understand why these playful, colorful, running toys are off-limits. He is doing very well stopping in his tracks if he's chasing them and we tell him "no." He just can't seem to resist tearing off after them again once they start moving at a good clip.

So, the fencing will be good for them too. In the middle of the move we had left it open, because the spot where they were had gotten pretty well trashed, and I hate not letting them have fresh grass and pasture to graze. But I had been worrying more and more about them getting eaten - so far just one has gotten munched by some predator. We found a pile of feathers a few weeks ago, but it wasn't simply someone molting - something ate her.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Healing.

Sorry I've been MIA. We have had the dreaded flu, apparently, and are just recovering. It was fine - my daughter got hit the hardest, and first. My husband, son and I all handled it fairly well, although I think Jake is still fighting it. Now, I'm firmly in the aftermath - a house that needs serious attention, work that very desperately needs catching up, and me home alone with the kids while Matt works these past two days. (The kids have off from school, but he doesn't. It would be a challenging week any week, but coming on the heels of being laid up for a few days, it's really tough on my work schedule.)

I'm actually seriously struggling today to maintain calm and sanity. I think I just screwed up on that front, but I'm putting myself in time-out. I have to adjust my expectations of what work I can get done, maybe see about having Matt take off on Tuesday to take Jacob to CF clinic, or maybe completely cancel his appointment and reschedule for next month. I vacuumed the house - it was gross - but that is just the tip of the iceberg. There is so much to do to prepare for the appraisal for the addition, it is completely overwhelming. I'm trying not to even think about it. I'm still very stressed and worried about Jake actually getting this flu, since he never got fully sick. And I think I'm still a bit tired and under the weather.

Here I go again, using this space more as a journal than a blog about what we're doing with the homestead. Just needed to put it somewhere today. Hopefully I'll be back on track very soon, and hopefully I can just relax a bit and stop being such a stressball.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Waiting for the snow to fall, and cover us all...

And it did. This morning.



It will rain later, but it is lovely. The puppy was incredibly excited and ran around all crazed and wet-mouthed, jumping in it. Now he's sacked out on the couch.

I was planning to work at the coffeeshop today, but the snow just makes me feel like cuddling up inside. I might head out to the (much closer) library in a bit. Just because I need to get out sometimes.

On the homesteading front, we are complete slackers. Kate is doing really well caring for the chickens herself - I'm amazed they're all still alive, but I haven't had to think much about them in the past few weeks. I'm sure I need to recharge the battery, and we really really need to move them to a new spot, and clean out their winter coop and get them moved back into it.

And, I will plant garlic. Will, will, will. I am promising this to myself. So, I need to get on that fairly soon. I haven't ordered it yet, even. It might be too late to order.

Using my Power of Less, September was running. Goal met. I ran the Harpoon Octoberfest Road Race, 3.6 miles, on Sunday. In 39:54. So my 5K time was 34:55, and I'm very happy with that. Very happy. I am planning to run a much smaller local race, the Kingdom Challenge, on Halloween - another 5K. Then the Barton Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving. And, I'm planning to train for a half-marathon in late May - the Derby Dandelion Run. Another local race. Should be a lot of fun!

I'd like to run a full marathon by next fall. That's my goal. It seems reasonable. Although right now I am still fairly sore from Sunday.

So October's goal: train the puppy. I'm blogging about Jake and I will move the service puppy posts over there. Summary of his progress so far: he's smart, maybe too smart. I need to step up the training, and work on stays and loose leash walking (he seems to think pulling with all his might is the way to go on a walk). I bought a head collar, but it's too big. I hope to order a harness for him once I get it put in Jake's budget, with Service Dog In Training patches to put on it. I will exchange the head collar. But mostly it is about me putting in the 20-30 minutes a day on training him.

And to be clear: I know he won't be trained by end of October. My goal is to establish a daily habit of training the puppy.

November's goal: Write 50,000 words of a novel. Yes, I am going to do Nanowrimo. Again. I just need to get a shitty novel out there and be done with it. So, I will be working on some preparation (character sketches, reading, research) for that this month. And picking which of my handful of ideas I will actually bring to fruition next month.

Exciting stuff. December's goal may just be maintenance of running, puppy-training, and novel-writing habits while getting through the holidays. That sounds like enough. And on the homestead front? Because isn't this blog all about our homesteading efforts? Well, sometimes personal growth is the place we need to go. I guess I'll leave it at that. I have complete faith that I'll want to recommit myself in the spring, plant a smaller garden but still try to raise a bunch of food, and maybe even get a few sheep or a beef cow. For now, we need to just keep maintaining the chickens, plant some garlic, and maybe build another raised bed for some fall/winter greens (with hoop cover). We'll eat our delicious stores of applesauce, elderberry jelly, and buy local greens for now. Oh, and I probably need to put the strawberries to bed for the season before they die. Thursday night is forecast to be 16 degrees!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Fall cleaning and decluttering.

Sadly, I think I waited a wee bit too long for the elderberries - the birds have claimed them all, it seems, although there are a few unripe clusters that I may be able to snag. But I went down cellar (I'm picking up some Vermontisms) and found three quart jars of elderberry juice that I canned last year, and I'm sure there are both berries and juice in the freezer as well. (Note to self: next year just pick and dehydrate the berries, don't worry about when you can get to making the tincture or syrup!)

The lack of elderberries freed me up to do some decluttering this weekend. Autumn always prods me into clean and declutter mode, trying to make our tiny house more efficient for the upcoming winter while I can still work comfortably in the basement and easily air out rooms. Yesterday I dusted all the cobwebs, inside and out, repaired the front porch railing and began staining it (I needed to stop because it rained, and because I wanted to be sure the six-year-old stain was still going to dry properly and look like the rest of the house). Then I began to tackle our master bedroom.

We're considering swapping rooms with Jake, giving him this room, since it is a generous 9x11, all with normal-height ceilings! Right now Jake lives in the loft, with Katie, which has steeply sloping eaves - not your typical knee walls, just straight from the roofline, forty-five degrees down to the floor. That makes it impossible to stand anywhere but the center four feet or so, and really curtails our living space. (We have 710 sf where you can stand in our house - then a few more of eaves, and of course I'm not counting the basement or shop.) If we swapped rooms, we'd have space for our bed where Jake's bed, train table and some toys are now, and we'd revamp his toy shelves to store our clothes. One bugaboo is hanging space - I think we could manage something sort of weird-looking where we hang the clothes in the middle of the wall by the window, but I'm not sure it would look at all decent.

Speaking of which, right now our clothes hang in plain sight in our bedroom - this house was meant as a vacation cabin and is completely, utterly closetless. It keeps us neat, theoretically.

So I just went through and vacuumed under the bed, sorted through all the clothes and made a pile to give away and a pile of summer stuff to store, decluttered the top of the dresser (though you can see I could stand to get rid of more), and set up our new hamper underneath the hanging clothes (Jake picked all the wicker off the ten-year-old hamper that was near the door). I also cleared the piles of books that built up on the floor by my bed and overall just went through everything, although there was no major restructuring of the space itself. You can see that there isn't really much you can do with a king-sized bed in this space besides have it where it is!

Jake uses this room to bounce on the bed and roll himself in the covers and watch TV. It's the only room in our house with a door besides the bathroom, so although it's a master bedroom, it is also used by anyone who's sick and needs a little privacy or quiet and a comfy bed, or just when someone wants some privacy. So it gets used - a lot. We've considered swapping out the bed with a Murphy, but we store our clothes in those maple drawers you see underneath the bed, and we can't quite figure what type of temporary use the floor space would have if we folded up the bed. (Toys get strewn quickly, and the idea of having to pick up toys and clutter before going to sleep just makes me feel exhausted.) The bed makes a great TV-watching space, book-reading space, and all-around cuddle space. If we change it to Jake's room, his twin would go along the wall where the head of our bed is now, with his clothes stored underneath as they are now. That would give him quite a bit of room for his toys (probably organized onto a shelf unit along one wall) as well as a couple of bean bag chairs - they are desperately needed as they're a sensory regulating item for him, and we can't figure out where else in the house one could possibly fit.

Okay, I think I've blathered on enough. The room! Beware: it looks much bigger in the photos!



View from the doorway. In the left-hand back corner is the door to the basement.



View from the basement door corner. The shelves above the hanging clothes hold some storage of things like the negatives from the photos of Jake's birth, and a few other things that probably could find a better home if we had more climate- and moisture-controlled storage elsewhere. The one kitty-corner basket is our first-aid kit. Tucked underneath the clothes in the corner is a laundry hamper (we'll probably need to get another one, so we each have our own) and my Seagull guitar. The thread rack holds most of my jewelry and earrings. The teak dresser holds - surprise! - clothes. I need to get a different curtain for our window, as the floral batik doesn't match the stripey bedspread at all!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Puppy kryptonite.

Yesterday was a very tough day with Burke. He was incredibly bitey and mouthy and aggressive, and every way I tried to distract or correct him resulted in him getting more riled up and mouthing me more. This, despite walking him first thing in the morning, trying to play fetch (but he would jump and lunge at my legs and bite them so I had to crate him for time-out) and doing everything that every book I read said to do.

We have been using mostly positive reinforcement and clicker training methods. I have tried positive redirection to an appropriate chewy toy. I have tried yelping in a high-pitched voice to show him he's hurting me. I have even - briefly - tried an alpha roll, but it was clear within five seconds that this was an ineffective and cruel choice.

Today I finally picked up a book written by the dog trainer who has kept our elderly dog, Dana, several times while we've been out of town, April Frost. I read through everything - she mostly suggests positive redirection for mouthiness. But, we've been there and it's just getting more and more out of control. So today on her suggestion for other behaviors, I made a shake can - put a few pennies in an empty can and taped the mouth shut. Well, it's magic. I barely shake it and he's out of the room - which shows me I have to be sparing with this, as I want him to remain a secure and emotionally grounded pup. But, having my arms and legs bruised from his bites is not okay either, and nothing else has made a dent in this behavior. As she puts it in her book, it's much preferable to eliminate the behavior quickly with "surprise" than to have most of our interactions be negative - he mouths me and lunges at me, I say no, I crate him, repeat until I'm angry and frustrated and he knows it and mouths more.

I know we have to get him playing with some younger dogs as soon as possible, so that's on my list for this week and next. He only has Dana, who is more tolerant of him, but won't really play with him. And he's had a bit of exposure to a couple of other dogs. But I can sense that what he is really seeking is play, engagement, interaction on a puppy level. Sometimes fetch or "I'll hold the toy while you mouth it" isn't enough for him (we don't encourage tug and he is not at all into it anyway, nothing like Dana was).

Speaking of Dana, she is doing so much better! She is walking again. She is even going up and down the steps most of the time. This week we'll get our icebreaker padded mats on the steps to give her some more traction. But she's really come back. I'm not sure what went on - seizure? stroke? Her right side seems a bit contracted and off. But she's holding her own, very interested in food and treats, and once she gets down the steps she is playful and running through the fields and woods with Burke at her heels. I'm very happy to have her for as long as she's comfortable and active. She seems to be renewed and full of vigor again. My old girl! I love her so.

I've started a blog about Jake. He's doing amazingly well. The homesteading has turned into dog training, huh? Such is life. The leaves are in full color; it's a beautiful autumn.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Happy Mabon!

With the passing of the Fall Equinox (Mabon), we're having a spell of warmer, more humid weather. After weeks of crisp mornings and brisk, frosty nights, I could almost be fooled into thinking it was August again - but then I feel the gentler, paler rays of the sun, witness the bright palette of reds, golds and greens on the trees, and watch evening slip ever more quickly into dark. It is definitely autumn.

Burke is settling into his last few weeks of true early puppyhood (he'll be four months old on October 5). I've been reading The Golden Bridge by Patty Dobbs Gross and feeling alternately better and worse about how his training is going so far. But mostly better. He's a very good boy, but temperament-wise he is more mouthy and bossy than some of the quiet, calm dogs she selects for service work. But, she emphasizes matching the temperament to the family and child - and I do think he's a good fit for our mouthy, bossy family! Jake is loud and he moves a lot, quickly, runs and jumps all over our tiny cabin, and Burke is nonplussed. When he has a meltdown, Burke is right there, not afraid of the screams and crying, but looking at him as if to say, "What can I do to help?" (I wish I knew the answer, sweet pup. I ask it of myself every time Jake has a meltdown. But I feel sure you will figure it out in time.)

Personally, at the moment, I'm wrestling a few demons. I've felt very emotional for the past month or so - back to school time always does this to me. Add in a virus or two and a Lyme flare and the recipe produces high emotion, struggles, and yet - growth. I've been trying hard to get a handle on my schedule and manage my time better, and simply trying to do less has been a very successful strategy that's helped me feel more sane. But I still struggle with the house being messier, the late-summer and winter-preparation tasks falling behind, and in general feeling like I'm drowning under a to-do list (whether I put the things on the list or not, they just seem to pile up). I'm trying to chip away at things, putting in an hour a day on the outside tasks, figuring that consistency will pay off just like it has with my running.

Running has been a success, when I'm not plagued by knee or hip pain. It's so meditative and wonderful for me. My body just needs to catch up with my heart and I'll be thrilled. And, I need to acknowledge that establishing this habit has been a major accomplishment this month. Today is Day 22, and studies say you need 21 days to establish a new habit. So, there. I'm a runner now. I will run my first 5K on October 11th in Windsor, Vermont - the Harpoon Brewery's Octoberfest. It should be lots of fun. My husband will run with me!

One big thing I've been struggling with is my need for approval from others. A few things have happened that have brought to the surface how much I need external validation, even when I think I don't. I guess part of it is that so many people in my life have always looked up to and admired me - to the point that I feel embarrassed about it - that when it's clear that a person disapproves of my actions, decisions or how I conduct my life, I react by feeling blindsided, angry and hurt. And I respond by trying to get that person to change his or her mind, desperately defending myself and arguing my points. I want them to see what a great person I am, how much I have managed to do with a huge burden on my shoulders, how I'm funny, smart, and ultimately - lovable. How even though I can be bossy and seem cranky at times, it's a thin veneer over an all-encompassing, unconditional love for those close to me - a love that can be very strong and powerful as well as gentle and nurturing.

I want to say, Yes, we have some serious challenges and things can be rough sometimes, but there are also some great things in our lives. My kid is healthy despite the genetics stacked against him, thanks in large part to my own efforts. He's thriving developmentally thanks to my determination to find him a good school program, to make it work in the face of an overburdened, broken education system. My marriage is intact and healthy despite the statistics that say that as parents of a special-needs child, we only have a 20% chance of staying married. We've been together seventeen years, almost half my life. What it might look like from the outside may be very different than how we both feel about it. It's strong, it's good, and our division of labor works for us (even though growing up in our generation, we feel like we are constantly creating and recreating our roles from scratch). And most of all, I love, admire and respect my husband deeply.

I end up engaged in a battle, trying to show someone that I'm worth thinking highly of, that my ideas should be entertained seriously and that my decisions are good ones that I've thought through. Then, weary from the fight and feeling badly about myself, there comes a moment when I step back and ask myself: why am I engaged in this? What need am I trying to fulfill? Why can't I walk away, and realize that not everybody has to like me or approve of my decisions or actions?

You can only control your own actions, reactions, emotions and decisions. You can't control those of other people. You can't change someone's mind, make them miserable, or make them happy. You can't make them approve of you, love you, or admire you. In fact, when you really think about it, the other person's emotions and opinions likely have very little to do with you, even when it seems they are all about you.

This is a lesson I seem to learn over and over in my life. Slowly, I think it's sinking in.